Conversations about shock and loss

Shock and loss, this is how you talk about it without retraumatizing

With the war in Ukraine running into its 26th day today, things have suddenly changed for me. Like many others. You too? What I usually take for granted, I have begun to see through the eyes of displaced people. Wow – we have I sell in the tap!<(p>

Whether you're someone who has donated money, hosted refugees or collected necessities, or you're shaken to witness it all, almost do not believe your own eyes and think you can not make a difference, then this post is for you.

About conversation circles

2 weeks ago I was in Krakow for a new season of Needs-Based Coaching. A friend of a friend invited me to a makeshift hostel for refugees to host what became a grief circle.
The best word to describe the experience is rawness. To me, it was like looking through the eyes of these Ukrainian women directly into bottomless despair and hopelessness. Their stories went straight in and are still there.

Since then, I have been asked how to hold such conversation rooms, and I will write about that here. Maybe it's something you would like to offer, or maybe you're suddenly in a spontaneous situation where active, empathetic listening is what it takes.

Why open to what hurts?

A little neurobiology:
When our nervous system is activated in any state of struggle / flight / alarmed loneliness (sympathetic activation) or the experience of freezing or becoming limp like a rag doll (immobilization), our body is like on fire or almost paralyzed. We are out of balance, desperate, hopeless. Not good for the kids or others we need to take care of. Not a good state to enter into dialogue or make decisions as it reduces our cognitive abilities.

It alleviates the emotional tsunami when the words are put into words and a warm and empathetic human being is present with us, right where it is worst. The nervous system understands that the alarming message has been delivered and the body can calm down.
If we are completely up to speed, we can rarely do it ourselves; we need someone to be there, with us.

Grief as opposed to horror

Grief is essentially different from horror, rage, and powerlessness. Grief is the state that occurs when we have surrendered to the painful truth that we have suffered a loss. It can feel gentle in the midst of pain when we mourn with others.
That's what grief circles offer: meeting mourners with acceptance and care.

As the stories are told and emotions gripped, our autonomic nervous system becomes more willing to calm down and we can grieve over the losses we have experienced (or are experiencing).

What does it take?

Would you like to hold a mourning circle? Or do you want to be dressed if you suddenly find yourself with people who are deeply affected - be it refugees, their helpers, your neighbor who can't handle more TV clips of bombings, or children who are scared?

Most importantly, it requires that you can endure emotional intensity without trying to make it go away.

Giving advice, encouraging, explaining or commenting on the content are ways in which we sometimes – unconsciously – try to reduce the intensity so that we ourselves avoid being overwhelmed. But that is not helpful. Unreserved presence with the other person's experience, however intense it may be, is the best support we can give them.

Retraumatizing?

It is not retraumatizing to open up and express strong emotions. What can retraumatize is if we are left to ourselves while we are in the throes of our emotions. We must be accompanied by one who feels with us, and who at the same time has access to his own gravitational field of calm.

“Of course you are heartbroken!” is far more useful than “You'll get over it.” The latter does not meet the person exactly where she is and sends the subconscious signal: 'I would prefer your feelings were a little more moderate.'
It can be difficult to come up with something to say when the person next to us talks about terrible experiences. “Of course you are…./(angry/ scared/ disoriented/ despairing)” we can always say, even when we don't know what to say. We can offer our sympathetic gaze and perhaps a hand. We can let them feel that we are with them.

In addition, it is important that you are filled with empathy for your own horror, pain and loneliness, i.e. that you have shared it with another person who has been warm and present towards you and 'of course!'-ed you. If you are planning a conversation circle, have a warm grounded person with you whose gaze you can meet if you get insecure or triggered.

Best practices

If the above has aroused a desire in you to offer a mourning circle online or locally, and you are interested in further tips and best practices, please feel free to email me and ask for the document Pernille's best practices for grief circles.pdf . You are also welcome to book an hour with me if you are in doubt about whether you have what it takes.